AXEL-NATHANIEL ROSE

(Content warnings: Suicide, eating disorders, referenced self-harm, referenced alcoholism, referenced cyberbullying, referenced bullying.)



Alexander Wyndham (B.Sci, M.Psyc, M.Crim)
Clinical Psychologist and Senior Researcher
Shelley Forensic Medicine and Coroners Court

Dear Coroner Mulvill,

I present the following for your consideration as part
of the inquiry into the death of Lucille Raaj by
self-administered fatal overdose.
This portfolio contains:
︎      A full psychological autopsy
Nine interviews in summary and in full;
A partial record of the deceased’s digital communication
in the three years preceding her death;
and a complete medical record.
︎     The final autopsy findings.
As per your request, it has been established conclusively that Raaj received no treatment for her mental illness. In my professional opinion, she experienced co-morbid PDD/Dysthymia, General Anxiety, on-setting approximately three years prior to her death, and Bulimia Nervosa (purgative type), two years prior.
The archive of Raaj’s digital publications and communications is too extensive to be presented in full but has been analysed thoroughly by my team. All relevant content has been presented in full. Due to the unusual and extensive nature of Raaj’s online presence, an annotated glossary has been attached. Any multi-chaptered entries and extensive texts have been provided as summaries. The whole archive is available for your assessment as you require.

Sincerely,

Alex


︎

GLOSSARY

TERM                                DEFINITIONS

FANDOM: A grouping of fans of a particular media who engage with the original texts and partake in its exegesis, analysis, and critique, often creating new works around the pre-existing story-world.                    

FANFICTION/FANFIC/FIC: Pieces of creative writing featuring characters from pre-existing media. Raaj wrote fanfiction extensively under the pseudonym ‘legolassleftbuttcheek’ on Tumblr and fanfiction website ‘archiveofourown’. Her writing amassed a following of 3000 people. She wrote upwards of eighty works, ranging from short stories to series of e-books.       
              
LORD OF THE RINGS/LOTR: The Lord of the Rings franchise, including novels, films, and the life of author
JRR Tolkien.                           

NOT FOR ME/NFM: A novel-length fanfiction written by Raaj; her most popular work, amassing over 10,000 views. She was criticised and praised for it in great quantities. She received harassment for her portrayal of homosexuality and recovery from supernatural trauma. She posted the final instalment within the hour before her death .  Its premise was the protagonist recovering from a suicide attempt, including topics of addiction, self-harm, and homosexual relationships.

PRO-ANOREXIA/PRO ANA/THINSPO: Online content made to inspire and advance eating disordered behaviour in others, including encouraging starvation, over-exercising, physical and chemical purging, and self-harm. Raaj did not create such content but followed it.
 

TUMBLR: A ‘microblogging’ website where Raaj engaged with over 5000 ‘followers’ under the pseudonym ‘legolassleftbuttcheek’. She frequently posted details of her personal life, especially her homosexuality and mental illness, and about her areas of interest. She did not engage with people she knew offline on Tumblr.

︎

Suicide note of Lucille Raaj

Posted to legolassleftbuttcheek.tumblr.com at 13-09-19, 2047. Archived 15-09-19, 0842. Post removed from web at parents’ request 16-09-19, 0915.

legolassleftbuttcheek:        

bye everyone
 nice knowing you

   i’ll see you in the next life
still round the corner there may wait a new road or a secret gate
and though i oft have passed them by a day will come at last when i
shall take the hidden paths that run west of the moon, east of the sun


︎

Profile: Maxine Jennifer Hart

‘Maxi’/‘maxwisegamgee’/‘maxiwrites’

A fifteen year old US girl who Raaj befriended on Tumblr aged 14. They considered one another best friends, despite not having met in person, and were in contact almost every day for two years preceding Raaj’s death. They used pseudonyms for six months then exchanged legal names, phone numbers etc.

Hart’s parents were aware of and condoned the girls’ friendship, including paying for international phone calls to facilitate their friendship. Raaj’s parents thought that Hart attended the same school 
as her and were not aware of how close they were. There is no evidence of romantic or sexual intent between Hart and Raaj, despite both identifying as being attracted to women. Hart was the first person Raaj ‘came out of the closet’ to in 2017, both aged 13, Hart having already outed herself as bisexual. She has been in clinical treatment for depression and anxiety since 2016. She was briefly hospitalised with non-suicidal self-injury in late 2017. She sent photographs of her wound dressings then healing wounds to Raaj, which in interview she called, ‘the stupidest, most selfish thing I ever did’.There is no evidence of her encouraging Raaj’s bulimia or self-harm.

Hart has been compliant and useful in investigations. Her parents allowed one fifteen minute interview without their presence, in which Hart presented no additional information. She was not aware of Raaj’s suicide plan.

Her parents have kept her under suicide watch for six weeks since Raaj’s death.

︎

Text conv. between deceased (left) and mother, Emilia S. Raaj (right) 18 mths. prior to death

the teachers made us get weighed in front of the whole class in PDHPE 


Why is your phone on?


it’s lunchtime and I’ve done all my homework


What was your BMI?


27. so I’m in between overweight and obese everybody laughed at me.MacCullen said that I’m going to die of
heart disease 



Im sure MRS MacCullen didn’t say that. If you start going on bike rides again you’ll lose weight


she did say it!



She did not say you Lucille Raaj are going to die of heart disease.


It’s unpleasant that she used you as an example but what she said is true. Your father and I have been worried about your weight. You haven’t paid attention. When you get home we can make a meal plan and exercise regime


she did and Zack pretended to try to push me down the stairs but said I was too fat for him to move me.



Teenage boys are bullies by nature.


He probably likes you


I trust you aren’t responding because you’ve turned your phone off and are on your way to class. If you are ignoring me then you are in BIG trouble.

︎

Facebook conv. between deceased and M. Hart (‘MH’)
4hrs later:

LR: i’m gonna kms and my school will probably have a celebration that at least i’ll no longer be rotund when i’m cremated lol


MH: no!!
MH: no no no!!
MH: 1st of all
MH: love you always. love you no matter what. idc if you weigh 100 pounds or 100 kilograms you’re the most beautiful person in the world, and anyone who doesn’t see that is a fool
MH: 2nd of all


LR: love you too
LR: thank you



MH: you know that nobody’s worth is determined by their weight or their appearance.you fight for that acknowledgement every day.
you NEED to acknowledge it for yourself. your life is worth
so so so so much more than anything about your body
MH: and whatever douchebag student says otherwise is rotten inside


LR: it was the teachers AND the students
LR: and THEN my parents


MH: oh lu :(
MH:
i’m so sorry
MH: what happened?


LR: idk if this happens in the US but in health classes we all get weighed and our BMI gets shouted out in front of the
whole class



MH: that sometimes happens here but it’s not always


LR: and it turns out i’m not just chubby any more i’m actually fat
LR: and one of the teachers said i’m gonna die of heart disease
LR: so I was going to go down to the library and cry and write the next chapter of NFM
LR: when that arsehole zack i told you about who wrote dyke on all of my school books waited until i was about to go down stairs and grabbed me and pretended to push me but then started groaning and yelled out ‘she’s too fat i can’t move her’
LR: and when I finally managed to make him let me go he deliberately fell over and shouted that I used gravity against him and I had an unfair advantage



MH: oh FUCK HIM


LR: so I went and cried in the bathroom like a nerd and texted my mum and she said that if I just got off the computer and started going on bike rides again none of it would’ve even happened in the first place
LR: ‘gee thanks ma I really appreciate your care and concern, feel super supported by you to stop comfort eating and so inspired i’m going to become an olympian!!’
LR: and then she said zack only bullies me because he likes me like WHAT THE FUCK boys are only bullies if they want to stick their tongue in your mouth it’s not just that they’re nasty, entitled, and cruel???
LR: god sorry how was your day


MH: don’t apologise! MH: clearly a better day than yours
MH: i’ve decided I need to get SWOL so i can carry you to mordor and throw all homophobes into the flames


LR: MAXI you’re savage but seriously how was your day? [cont.]

︎


(trigger warning: suicide, police)

hi everyone. this is the hardest thing i’ve ever had to write. i need to confirm that on friday night (australian) lucille killed herself. i found out the next day from her parents because i was the last person she’d texted. a full investigation by a coroner (a post-death investigator) has started to figure out what happened and why she did it and why no-one stopped her. i’ve been advised that the police will need to talk to me but because i’m a minor and i’m american they need to get lots of paperwork and stuff, but i’m talking to her parents. the police may want to talk to some of you but idk how they’ll be able to get like legal right to. but i beg you to please cooperate if you are contacted to help in the investigation and make it as easy as possible for her family, who made many mistakes but are good people and deserve to grieve their daughter in peace. please don’t post about this, start drama or try to find
lu’s family.

i’ve closed her asks here as i was the executor of her accounts. when we set that up it was just a cute thing about loving each other and each others’ writing. i never thought i’d have to use it.

please remember who she was: a fifteen year old girl with a whole life she won’t be able to live. an extraordinarily gifted writer. a believer in human rights above all else. an infinitely kind, compassionate, and attentive friend, who made time for anyone who needed it, listened to everyone’s stories without judgement or self-interest. a proud lesbian of colour who every time she came out of the closet did it for someone else, for them to feel safe, even though she never felt safe. she was excited to get just a little older so she could come out to everyone and fall in love and get married and live out her days loving her wife. one of the most devoted fans of the lord of the rings ever not because of the violence or the adventure or the triumphs, but because of the absolute love and faith that the characters put in one another, because of the passion for beauty and nature and song. she wrote out of love, always taking the fandom’s wants and needs into account and never asking for anything from anyone, helped foster a fandom because she wanted more people to feel as touched and loving and inspired as she was. her writing saved people’s lives and she should be remembered for that above all else. the last thing she did was post the final chapter of ‘not for me’ a novel not just of extraordinary skill and poetry and passion but of the persevering and transformative power of love. it didn’t matter what kind of love. to her love was the only magic in the world. that is who lucille was.

and remember that she was a victim of abuse. not ‘bullying.’ ‘bullying’ can be ignored. she was abused offline everyday and recently more and more abused online too. it wasn’t being lesbian that killed her. it was the way she was treated for it. it wasn’t that she wrote about hard things like mental illness, sexual violence and marginalised identities. it was the way she was treated for it.

i want to tell everyone who ever abused her in any way to remember that you helped kill this girl. that you should carry your shame with you for the rest of your life, atone for what you did every minute of every day and that it still won’t be enough to make up for her life. but that’s not what she would want me to say. she’d want me to remind you to always be kind to yourself and to others. to pursue goodness even when you can’t see it, no matter how hard it is. so i beg you please do that for her.

i’m going offline for a few weeks at least. if you want to reach out to me and i trust you you’ll already have my contact details.

vale my dearest lucille. i will love you for every moment of my life and i hope one day even if i never see you i will know you again. there is a place called ‘heaven’ where the good here unfinished is completed; and where the stories unwritten and the hopes unfulfilled are continued. we may laugh together yet.




︎

1st statement of Adrith J. Raaj, father of Lucille Raaj
Original copy held Shelley Police Station. Copied 21-09-19.
Shelley Police Station                                14-09-19 09:42-11:22
In the matter of: Suspected suicide
Witnessed: Constable Basira Jones
*Note: Witness was not speaking clearly. Full sentences have been made from what he said. Audio recording available.


Emilia and I got home from dinner at about 09:30 [PM]. We go out on Fridays once a month. We used to have Emilia’s mother watch Lucille, but she – Meena – said Lu was ready to be left alone when she was 12, so we left her, once a month. Please can I see my wife? [Response: As soon as your statement is over.]

We came inside and I told Emilia to be quiet because Lucille might've been asleep. But we could heart she had her audiobook playing in her room. [Q: Where is her room?] Upstairs from the front door. We took our shoes off and made tea in the kitchen. Then I said something like... like 'she'll be listening to that audiobook 'til she dies'. [Subject cried without speech for two minutes.] And Emilia told me it was our fault. [Q: That..?] That she’d be listening to it. Because we started reading it to her when she was a baby. [Subject cried without speech for one minute.] And I said ‘I’m going to check on her’. Emilia said ‘she doesn’t need her daddy tucking her in to get to sleep at night’ and I said ‘but I might need to tuck her in to get to sleep.’

I went upstairs and knocked on Lu’s door. I said her name. She didn’t answer, so I opened it. She had her reading light on her pillow. I thought she was asleep. [Q: Was it closed, locked..?] It was closed. It doesn’t have a lock. I thought she was asleep. I thought she was just asleep. She looked like she was asleep.

[Subject cried without speech for one minute. Q: Then what happened?]
Her blanket was only half on her, so I went to pull it up, to tuck her in. And I touched her cheek. And she was… she was stiff. And she was so cold.

I yelled for her to wake up and I tried to make her breathe. [Q: How?] CPR. But it wasn’t working. I told Emilia to call an ambulance. [Q: Where was Emilia?] Just outside the door. She came up when I started yelling. The paramedics – on the phone – told us to look at her whole body, for any marks, while they were on their way. There was nothing. Emilia tried doing CPR, too, and I put on the heater and wrapped her up and tried to get her warm.

[Q: What happened next?] Emilia turned off the audiobook when we heard the sirens. She ran downstairs to open
the door.

[Q: And what did you do?] I stayed with her.

[Q: With Lucille?] Yes, I stayed with her.

︎

Not For Me (not if it’s you) by legolassleftbuttcheek

Chapter 30

for everyone who has thanked me for helping them stop self harming or challenging their addiction or helping heal their trauma, this fic is for you – and while i thank you for your kindness and taking the time to contact me, please please know that your strength, your bravery, your recovery, are from yourselves and yourselves alone – you are extraordinary people, and i hope that your lives are as beautiful, peaceful and happy as you deserve. thank you for staying alive. thank you for fighting for yourself. thank you for believing in recovery. thank you for believing in kindness. you inspire me every day, and i hold every single one of you in my heart.

thank you with all that i am to maxi, who not only edited every chapter except the first and last, but made me who i am today. i owe you my everything. i love you and will love you forever. your integrity and passion change the world every day. you are my east and west and my north
and south.

and thank you to my parents, for giving me the life i’ve had. but especially for reading the lord of the rings to me every day as a child. It was the best gift in the world.

love always.

yours,

lucille (legolassleftbuttcheek)

︎

… Frodo stood in the doorway, staring not to the dawn, to the East, but to the West, where the White Downs and the Great Road were just beginning to glow golden-green. The mist of the night and the glistening dew met the sunrise as if whispering of a lake: remembering a different world, where water filled the Shire, when the leaves and flowers were as bright as they always would be, but as coral; as seaweed twisting through layers not of earth but of water, of fish flitting as bright and jubilant as the bees did carrying their nectar.
The sun was too bright for Frodo. But it seemed to cast water, cool and clean, over his face, through his eyes, through his chest. His lungs felt clear. Mount Mordor and the taste of his blood was gone.
Sam was careful not to startle him; he made his steps far heavier than they naturally fell, louder still as he drew near. He did not speak as he put his arm around Frodo’s waist. They held each other as they had always held each other, as statues held history and trees that grew intertwined, as lovers and friends and souls joined through time. Frodo’s hand on Sam’s wrists. Their cheeks together. Their knees, still weak from the Journey, knocking against one another.
Something about the cold of the sunlight, something about it always seeming blue, made Frodo’s scars seem older and further away. No longer the deep pink of just-hidden blood, no longer harsh lines framing the neck of his shirt and the cuffs of his sleeves. Just skin. Skin like any other skin.
Sam, too, was looking away from the East. The rising sun was too bright for them. The chill of the dawn no longer worried them. It was nothing like the cold they had known. But still, they stayed close, the warmth they had was shared.
Frodo had begun to cry. Not the violent wracking sobs, not the terror of the Ring upon him, but the quiet fall of sun-showers. Sam lifted Frodo’s hand to his lips, pressed to
his knuckles.
“Are you okay?” he asked, in a whisper.
Frodo was silent, for a time, seeing the West continue its renewal from the dark. He thought on the question, on its whole, for a time. “Yes,” he said.
He smiled. And that was enough.





This piece involves interactive text. The handwritten notes correlate with the highlighted parts of the report. You can move, compare and gather notes as you work your way through the report. 

If this is not working on your display, we recommend you download the PDF version. 

















































︎ Death





















︎ i’ll see you in the next life










︎ i



















︎ ‘the stupidest, most selfish thing I ever did’.

























︎ MacCullen






︎ Your father and I have been worried about your weight.
︎ meal plan and exercise regime
︎ Zack































︎ you fight for that acknowledgement every day.

















︎ our BMI gets shouted out in front of the whole class











︎ who wrote dyke on all of my school books


























︎ SWOL


























︎ may want to talk to some of you







︎ i was the executor of her accounts. when we set that up











︎ come out to everyone












︎ the last thing she did





︎ not ‘bullying.’ ‘bullying’ can be ignored.




















︎ there is a place called ‘heaven’ where the good here unfinished is completed;










︎ 14-09-19 09:42-11:22






︎ Emilia’s mother








︎ [Subject cried without speech for two minutes.]



































































︎ Frodo




︎Axel has been writing since the tender age of five, his debut novel, The Evle King, dedicated to his brother's tyranny over the household armchair. Since then, his writing has expanded to short stories, poetry, and oration, with particular focus on queer narratives, mental illness, and social media.︎

︎︎︎   ︎︎︎